I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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