Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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