fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
