I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
My cat gives me a boner
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
