Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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