He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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