3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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