Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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