i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
