you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
