I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
