Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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