Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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