i will never coherently bang her
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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