last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
