Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
