Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
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Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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