Hey man sorry I got all grabby
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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