I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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