So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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