remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
