You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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