I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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