That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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