I hate all girls vehemently.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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