I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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