Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
