I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
