i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
