fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
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