you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
