Swine flu. Run for my life!
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
