I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
