Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(917): View more from New York City

OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.

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(574): View more from Indiana

should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?

(1-574): View more from Indiana

meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?

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(941): View more from Florida

We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.

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(845): View more from New York

I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception

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(310): View more from California

I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.

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