Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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