matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
