update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
