turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
