Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
