He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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