i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
