Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
