So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
