Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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