Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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