People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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