nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
