Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
