Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
