I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
