I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
