When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
