it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
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