I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Randomize
