my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
