so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
