I saw his package. It spoke to me.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
