Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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