my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
