The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
