I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
