I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
