oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
